Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Honey, the World's on ' Roids!

There I was, walking past Gelman and turning down 22nd when I overheard a couple arguing rather passionately.

“I mean, they’re supposed to be role models," said one.

“Well then what else was going to bring the fans back?"

“Oh, I don’t know,” the first one said. “How about amazing half time shows with high speed car chases and huge explosions! Or scandalous dancers wearing nothing but skin?”

I was confused.

But I continued walking, heading for the gym and watching cars go by, only to notice suddenly that something was drastically wrong. All the cars were huge! I mean they all rolled on 24’s.

A car flew by and I couldn’t help but gawk at its bumper sticker that looked bigger than those ads dragged through skies by prop-planes.

It read: “Save the whales.” Ironic, I thought.

I kept walking, but stopped in front of the gym.

Had I shrunk? Or, no, it couldn’t be, but, yes, the gym had transformed. It had grown so large that the trees surrounding looked like martini umbrellas and I was hardly a pebble! I strained my neck looking upwards and gasped.

I walked into the doorway whose top not even Yao Ming could have reached, standing on Shaq’s shoulders, with a six foot stick.

“What happened?” I asked.

“Things are rough these days,” said Andre the Giant. “This is the only way we can compete with those guys at the downtown clubs.”

I walked up to the courts and had my darkest fears realized. They were monsters! No, I thought as I looked closer, they were Mon-stars, from Space Jam. The tall blue one pulled up across the court and sunk it nothing but net. He saw me gaping in disbelief and came over.

“Can you keep a secret?” he asked.

I nodded.

Moron Mountain needed to attract more customers, remember?”

I nodded.

“But we had lost to the Tune Squad. But we, we refused to succumb!” He smiled stupidly, and continued, “so I tortured Bill Murray until he told me how they won: the secret stuff. Remember? I snuck into the locker room and stole it.”

I just stared at him. “Ooook,” I said. “So what?”

“Well, what you don’t know is that they got cocky and challenged us to a rematch. We killed them, what with the secret stuff on our side, and took them back with us. They’ve been there for years now.”

He laughed a terrible, cackling laugh. “Why do you think Cartoon Network had to come up with all those terrible new shows?”


I screamed until I opened my eyes. I looked around at my normal size futon and my normal size pajama pants. I turned my head towards the T.V.

Aha! I had fallen asleep watching ESPN again, and strained my eyes to see Stuart Scott: “It’s all over now folks,” he said with a grimace. “The baseball season has been cancelled due to lack of eligible player—but hey, at least this steroid policy has fixed the problem…BOO YA!”